Ah, hell, if this were happening abroad, I’d post instead of sit on it. I need to pretend I’m traveling at all times.

Hello, my little creative writers. A little fill-in-the-blanks exercise. (Trigger warning. Absolutely disgusting. I mean it.)

Day 1—You know how stroke victims often report smelling strange and unpleasant odors? Well—a feeling that I may be having a stroke. Perhaps I might need a shower.

Day 2—Do not need a shower. Stronger feeling that I may be having a stroke.

Day 3—Flies. Suspicion that spontaneous generation may be going on somewhere. Probably not a stroke.

Day 4

  • Putrescine.

  • Cadaverine.

  • Nothing on the floor under the fridge (that thing is heavy!); however, compressor vents seem quite large enough to allow mousal ingress.

  • Many, many flies. Many. Also lined up on the screens outside, waiting to get in.

  • Definitely not a stroke.

  • Eating out tonight.

Day 5—Breakfast in my office. Many (but not many, many) flies.

Day 6— Nice breeze. Breakfast in the kitchen. Only two flies, dispatched neatly and quickly. I have developed a professional-level skill with a wet dishcloth.

Takeaways:

  • Flypaper is not all it’s cracked up to be.

  • Oil-free eye makeup remover is excellent for getting flypaper goo off hands, hair, clothing, etc. Clinique Bi-facil is superior to Sephora brand in this regard.

  • I am seriously interested in learning how to use a bullwhip.

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