November 1--I don't remember
November 2--
Applied for Medicare
Paid my taxes
Called the tree surgeon
Called the carpenter
Wrote long overdue thank-you note
Sewed masks I'd promised to a friend
Took my winter sweaters out
Watered the plants
Put the air-conditioner away
Cleaned the house
I didn't actually get my financial records in order, update my will, and write a farewell note.
November 3, so far—
Woke up
Ate a clonazepam
All this because… Four years ago, I went to bed at 9, serene as could be, never thinking. I woke up at 2 am, heard the words "president-elect [you know who]" on my soft radio, and experienced nirvana--in that I saw the whole black universe before me and floated for a few supremely serenely, sensationless, pre-linguistic, dissociated moments.
Before feeling both heartbeat and thought telling me, "It has come again." And feeling grateful that my father—who had survived (if you can really call it that) one holocaust—had died before it had.
I still don’t know who won this election. I have not dared to turn on the radio, which has been off fir four years. Today I will spend all day fearing nirvana.